There's a loneliness inside her
by mirrorOfsin
Summary: She was sat up in the bed looking out of the window and at the grey morning sky. That was one intimate thing that Sarah knew about her, that she never slept with the curtains fully closed but always half-open. Susan/Sarah with unrequited Sarah/Cora. Christmas special warnings.


A/N: Susan is a little different to the one we saw on the Christmas special but whatever. I suddenly had a lot of feelings for this ship.

Title lyrics - Dave Matthews Band

There's A Loneliness Inside Her

The sad and lonely ones were always the ones that need her the most. In her youth there had been the melancholic seamstress, the broken-hearted housemaid and the unhappy lady of the house. They all wanted the little bit of love they could take from her and she gave it. She didn't love them all, her heart was locked up long ago, but she could at least pretend for an hour or so. They wouldn't, _couldn't_, love her back and she expected nothing less. Love was too messy; it was cruel, it was unwanted and it ruined lives.

Sarah thought that perhaps she the only one that has needed her the most. But unlike the others, she didn't demand a little but so much more. She had known when she asked for her to fix her hair (though she did understand, her maid was incompetent compared to her and she wondered why she hired her) and she had seen the way she had smiled when she pretended not to remember her name. It had been left unsaid that last year in London was the first and last time they would do this but she couldn't refuse her. Not after a night of drinking and dancing, with her head spinning just a little and her heart yearning.

Sarah prided herself on her ability to read people – it was part of her job after all and what made her exceptional – and yet this woman made her pause and rethink. She hated and resented it but there was a slight thrill in it as well. She could predict her own lady's movements, words and everything else before she had even decided what to do. She even knew what to expect from his lordship and the rest of the family – Lady Rosamund had been harder but eventually Sarah had been able to pick up on small signs and certain words. But Susan was different for she never said anything that gave herself away. She led trails that only turned up cold and so yes, when Susan had slipped her fingers across her wrist as they watched the dancers (a message that spoke volumes), Sarah had been surprised.

She was sat up in the bed, looking out of the window and at the grey morning sky. That was one truly intimate thing that Sarah knew about her, that she never slept with the curtains fully closed but always half-open. She liked to watch the clouds she said and Sarah watched them too.

"You need to go," she said but Sarah was already slipping out of the bed. She turned her head to watch Sarah sit back on the bed to pull up her stockings, keeping her back to her.

"If you had been my lady's maid, you would be going to India," she continued and Sarah paused as she bent down to feel for her hair pins. "I know you want that."

She knew Wilkins must have said something and it annoyed her that Susan knew this. Susan had once told her that she wanted her as her lady's maid. And once, Sarah even considered it but she knew she couldn't leave her mistress. Not now and not ever – not at least by choice – and Susan knew that too. She carefully lifted and twisted her hair up, sliding in the pins as fast as she could.

"Your loyalty is a credit, even if Cora will never notice you the way you wish she would."

Sarah swallowed and pulled on her dress, inwardly cursing her fingers for fumbling. Susan was in one of those moods, one where she vented her bitterness onto others. Well, Sarah thought, bitterness was a familiar taste in her mouth as well.

"And when will you be seeing James again?"

It was a cheap shot but worked a trick as she turned her head to see Susan steel her shoulders. Ah, to prod the wound that her son left. Yet somehow it didn't make Sarah feel any better but she was not about to apologise. Her life might have been infinitely different with Susan but probably no better. She finished dressing and finally turned to fully face the woman who had gone back to looking out of the window at the clouds that rolled across the sky. A storm was coming, there was no doubt.

"Bombay will be hell," she murmured quietly. "A hot and dusty hell. With my husband and all of that nothingness."

Sarah didn't know what to say and when Susan looked back at her it was with a look of dismissal. Maybe they should have said something, it was most likely be the last time they see one another like this – at least for a long time – but there were no words either could say. So Sarah left her quietly with her shoes in her hands as she made her way back to her room to wash away all the traces of the desperate loneliness that had brought them together.

_fin._

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**A/N:** Reviews are welcomed! x


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